rebecca94

My hubby leaves for work early in the morning. He will be gone for two weeks. By the time he gets back I want to be out of the 230’s. That means I have to lose 6 pounds in two weeks. Hard, but I can do it. I already see my goals that I set for the summer unreachable. I have to stick to this. I have to set a goal and work towards it. I have to do something right with my weight. It’s enough. My pool is finally heating up with this warm weather we are having so now I can swim. I love swimming and it is a really good workout.

A lot is happening these next couple of months. My husband will miss my son’s eigth grade graduation, my daughter’s kindergarten graduation, my other son’s 2nd birthday, ect. It will be pretty stressful for me but I have to get with it. I am not happy like this. This time of year should be wonderful and great but a dark cloud is hanging over me. It’s time to get with it.  

My sister had a baby today. A little girl named Juliette. She was nine pounds three ounces. Now my little girl who is seven months has a little girl cousin close in age that she will play with. After the birth my family wanted to eat Chinese. I knew that spelled disaster for me. I opted out and drove through Wendy’s and got a grilled chicken sandwich and a side of chili. It was YUMMY! It was very hard not to go eat with them. Now if only I didn’t come home and eat a few pieces of Easter candy I would be doing REALLY good. Still got to get some exercise in today. After my son’s baseball game I think I’ll go walking. Good day to all!

And I’m not eating them, I promise! So aggravating!

I have not been on in soooo long! My ISP is so crazy. I have cable internet and sometimes it’s on, sometimes it’s not and most of the time when I get on to post or read blogs it kicks me off. Thinking about switching to dsl but I just don’t know. I went to my mom’s to pay my bills on her computer but her damn keyboard didn’t work! Anyway, I have still NOT lost any weight. I’ve been working out but my eating is just crap. Need to focus, focus, focus!!!! All the pics of me for Easter were just ugh. Shopping for clothes was torture! Well, I hosted Easter dinner yesterday so I have a ton of cleaning up to do. Better get on it while the baby is taking a nap. Talk to you guys later!</p>

As the weekend approaches I am finding myself slip into old habits again. Ha ha, I’m saying “old” as if I didn’t still have them! I know I am on the verge of losing at least two pounds this week but yesterday I got a little relaxed about eating, didn’t exercise, and today I am slipping into the same pattern. I’ve got to refocus and keep my eye on the prize. Tonight we are going to be boiling crawfish and while that is not the problem it is the corn and potatoes that I kill myself on. Sunday is my son’s birthday dinner and we will be having a big bbq for him. Lots of food, also cake. There will be so many opportunites for me to mess up. I’ve just got to do it. Focus, focus, focus! There will always be bumps on the road. I’ve got to learn how to live with them. If I continually give in to everything I will never go anywhere.

So this week I started walking again for exercise. I just had to do something and move this ass of mine. I used to be able to do 3 miles but this time I have to start at 1.5 miles. Each week I’ll add a 1/2 mile until I reach 3. I wear weights on my ankles and that makes it burn so good. I am also carrying little 3 lb arm weights for extra burn. Everytime I put on my ankle weights I think of a time about 10 years ago when I was going walking. I was putting on some ankle weights when my dad told me “you don’t need those, you have enough weight on your legs already”. Yes, that was an asshole thing to say but my dad does not have a filter most times and he didn’t realize this would hurt me or he would not have said it. I was 170 pounds then. I am now nearly 60 lbs heavier. I just can’t help but think of that everytime I put those damn weights on! The last two days I’ve had to walk in the rain/mist/soupy air. The first day was kinda refreshing, today it was nasty. But I banged it out, my legs are sore and tight and I love it. I might ask hubby to give me a full body massage tonight to relieve some stiffness and that just may lead to some unintentional exercise if you know what I mean…wink wink.

I have been journaling my food on sparkpeople. It’s amazing to me that I ate so much before but just did not realize it. How could I not? I was steadily gaining weight. Denial i guess. Whatever, I don’t care - just gotta move forward. I still find myself wanting to grab this or that and not write it down but I have to. Only 88 days left til the beach!

I’m really struggling right now. I want to eat so badly. I have had numerous thoughts about what I can eat all day long. What I can “get away with”. I’ve already eaten breakfast, lunch and a snack so far but thoughts of food have bombarded me for hours and hours. I know if I take that first bite, that would be all she wrote. I’d be finished for the day. I can feel the achiness in my jaw, like I want to bite something. I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t allow myself to feel this way often. That’s why I am 235 pounds. When these feelings start to arise, I stuff them down with food. I want to do that really bad right now. I’m aggravated because I couldn’t go to my son’s baseball game. I’m aggravated that it only rained for five minutes, just enough to keep the kids inside the house. I’m aggravated my house is so cluttered and I am too lazy to keep it straight. I’m aggravated everytime I go do something I can never finish because someone always needs me. I’m aggravated my husband gets to do whatever he wants, when he wants and gets to finish things from start to finish without being bothered. I am aggravated when I ask him to watch the baby so I can finish a task or go to the store I get attitude from him. I am aggravated I put the baby down for 2 minutes to write this blog and she is screaming because I am not holding her.

I actually feel better.

Not sure what to write but I’ve felt like writing all day long. Everyone is in bed so I finally have some time to sit down at the computer to throw some things out there. I’ve been thinking alot today about this journey I’m on and this blog may be a bit scattered.  Today I told my husband that we have about ninety days until it’s time to hit the beach again and as I said those words they kind of slapped me in the face. Ninety days. That’s no time at all. Instead of feeling panicky I felt like someone kicked me in the ass and said giddy up and go! I was basically slapped in the face and kicked in the ass all in one minute, maybe that’s what I needed all this time. Now that I think of it, it’s like “no shit. You are still 235 pounds. You were 235 pounds last week and probably the week before that. If you don’t start doing something, you will be 235 pounds or more in 90 days.” What did I expect? I have not been putting forth the effort it takes to shed fat. I’m a freaking pro at thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong thinking about it is really good. But eventually my wheels have to start turning and I have to start DOING. Wow, it’s still weird seeing the number 235. ***Shudder. *** So anyways, in that instant, I decided tomorrow I will get up early and start walking. I’ll drop my kids off at school then head to the track right across the street. My husband is home two weeks out the month. Since I have two little ones at home I’ll only be able to do that when he’s home. The other two weeks I’ll have to exercise at home but I have to be consistent. 90 days will be here and gone before I know it.

I did really good with my eating this weekend. My mom and dad went camping so we went visit them on Saturday. My brother-n-law and his wife took two of our kids camping with them and we visited with them Friday and Saturday night. Camping food is not the healthiest so I could have done a lot of damage but I did not go out of control. I tell you I am freaking scared to get any bigger. It’s sad that the fun and excitement of the weekend was hampered for me because I was so uncomfortable with my weight. I saw friends I hadn’t seen in several years and I was embarrassed. Well, the next time I see them I will not be.

This “coming back” thing for me has been a process. I wasn’t able to hit the ground running. I’ve had to take it slow and easy and as I am peeling back the layers I am starting to find myself again. January thru March is always the hardest time for me. This is a hard journey but success is not optional.

This is the list I posted nearly two years ago of my WANTS. A few posts lately about lists prompted me to go through my blogs and dig it up. It’s depressing I am no where near any of these but it is what it is and I can change it!

• I want to be healthier (duh!)
• I want to make love with the lights on
• I want my husband to look at me as a wife and not a mommy
• I want my husband to want me
• I want my sexy back.
• I want a sexy back.
• I want to wear sexy underwear, not granny panties
• I want to look forward to the summer
• I want to stop thinking about myself being fat all day long
• I want my kids to have a healthy mom
• I want to run a marathon
• I want to wear shorts when I exercise, not have to wear bike shorts because of the chub rub
• I want to wear sleeveless shirts
• I want to wear dresses and strappy sandals
• I want to look hot in a bathing suit (no bikini for me - no amount of exercise can get rid of stretch marks!)
• I want to love my body
• I want to make my husband proud of me and actually carry pictures of me
• I want to play on the beach with my family and not think that I am too fat
• I want to free my mind of this fat jail cell it is in
• I want people to ask me “how did you do it?”
• I want to be happy with my whole self

Hell to the NO! I’m doing okay with the eating part but the activity is pretty absent. I’ve had a pretty stressful week. My oldest son has been out of school the whole week. He had a boil on his face of all places that made his face swell up to 3 times it’s size. The doctor almost admitted him to the hospital on Monday but decided to try antibiotics first. I’ve been back and forth to the doctor with him all week. Where I live the doctor is no hop, skip and jump. Thankfully he is doing much better now. Just trying not to get everyone infected. I have not been feeling so hot either. I just feel runned down. I go, go, go, go for everyone but I am not taking care of myself. I am losing sleep right now just writing this blog but it is very helpful for me to get this out. I’m not supposed to have a period right now b/c of breastfeeding and the type of pill I am on but I spontaneously started a few days ago and boy is it a bummer. Haven’t had one since Dec. 08′ and I just feel like shit! I’m wondering if my pill isn’t working or effective. I do not know what I would do if I got pregnant again. I may just lose my mind! My hair is still falling out. I think it’s hormones from having the baby and stress. I just need to breathe and not sweat the small stuff I guess.

I bought me a digital scale tonight. That will give me a more accurate weight every week. And I need to start weighing in every week. I will re-measure myself in about three weeks so I need to get cranked up! I want to be under 200 by the summer, well now middle of the summer, so I definitely need to get moving. I can’t keep pushing back the date or before I know it, it will be by Halloween…..then Thanksgiving….then Christmas. Nope, need to have a clear picture of what I’m doing here. No more hiding from myself.

Will be gorgeous this weekend. Perfect opportunity to get out and about and move my ass. Even though I feel under the weather and crappy I have to push through this. Life is happening whether I’m fat or thin - need to get with it!